Updated: May 21, 2019
by Amaya James
I was afraid to tell people what happened
Afraid to see this man on the streets.
I stayed at home and felt isolated
Alone in my silence, shame and grief.
I tried the best I could
To maintain my strength and composure
But I was hurting inside, deeply wounded
A word of support, compassion or love from the other
Would have provided so much closure.
But that’s not what I got.
No, not from this guy.
That summer I lost a boyfriend, baby and a business
Three months gone to sickness, grief, shame
Deep depression and dark cloudy skies.
The final blow came when he refused to pay
His portion of the costly procedure.
He offered, he committed, this was his promise
But in the end he failed to deliver.
I clearly needed some healing
And Alabama just wasn’t the place
So I packed my bags, said my goodbyes and flew back west.
I was finishing grad school I said, trying to save face.
But silence doesn’t heal things
Only truth, transparency, full disclosure heals our wounds.
We can’t fix our problems by keeping quiet
Suffering alone, without the support
Needed to clear the tombs.
Tombs of fear, grief, and shame
Of not being seen, heard or loved.
To clear these deep, dark places
We need speech, song, art, dance, poetry, touch
ALL THE ABOVE.
So back to California I went
Leaving my friends, community and projects.
Only a few people knew the true story
The others saw me as someone who
Defects, rejects, elects to sidestep...
Her friends, family, and commitments
All her loved ones in the South.
She leaves them for something better
A great adventure calling her back.
But that’s not what really happened
I needed to leave for my own healing.
Now I feel so much stronger
To come back and face the real demons.
Only this time with honesty, transparency
Truth, compassion and real feeling.
There’s important work to get done
Women’s rights are being threatened.
We can’t be silent any longer
We need these stories to make us stronger.
Time to gather our sisters
Tend to their wounds, kiss their scars, wipe their tears.
Time to gather in circle
Sing our sorrows, our rage and our fears.
Amaya is Co-host of the feminist podcast FemmSouth, yoga teacher (RYT500, ERYT200, YACEP), conscious dance facilitator, transformational coach, & women’s empowerment advocate. Amaya works with students and clients to deepen their understanding of self, other & universal consciousness, through movement, meditation, & personal empowerment.
You can find more information about her at www.amayayoga.com, FB @AmayaYoga, firstname.lastname@example.org. Or visit www.femmsouth.com, FB and Instagram @ FemmSouth, email@example.com.
FemmSouth is starting a new series on Women’s Abortion Stories and needs your support. It’s time to take abortion out of the closet and into the community for an open and vulnerable conversation about why women’s choice really matters. It is clear that we are collectively afraid to tell these stories and share our true feelings. This needs to change, so that women can feel that they are not alone in this, that they have each other to stand with them in loving community and care. We do not have to suffer alone any longer.
If you are willing to share your story with FemmSouth, please email us at firstname.lastname@example.org or contact us on Facebook @FemmSouth. You can of course choose to keep your name out of the equation, and remain anonymous. We thank you in advance for your courage to speak up in this matter. You are our heroines!
Please check us out on our podcast on iTunes, Soundcloud or Spotify. Like us on Facebook and Instagram, and help us get the word out so that we can be more effective in this movement of women standing together.
This is our time to raise our voices against injustice, and for a greater harmony to come! Together we stand!
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